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Whatever your beliefs are on having sex before marriage, it is important to talk about it before you say "I do".
We chat with intimacy expert Jacqueline Kee, co-founder and in-house Sex Educator of two sexual wellness brands, Genvie and Hedonist, to give you the best pointers on the five things you need to address in your conversation! ๐
Photo Credit: Genvie
๐ #1. Your Sexual Compatibility
Before tying the knot, it's crucial to have an honest conversation about sexual desires and expectations. We give very little credit to sexual compatibility in a relationship (especially a new one!) when it's actually one of the top reasons for marital discord. Jacqueline points out that "When looking for a partner, people will easily lay out their deal-breakers, such as finances, wanting children, politics or religion as their top priority and downplay the significance of sex to avoid coming across as risquรฉ."
That is not to say that you should talk about sexual compatibility immediately on a first date, but it's essential to keep in mind that sex does play a significant part in the well-being of a couple. So, at a time that feels comfortable for the both of you, sit down (have a glass of wine or coffee) with your partner and take turns to openly share your likes and dislikes when it comes to pleasuring one another for a satisfying time in the bedroom.
It might feel awkward to be this vulnerable, and that's perfectly fine! Just know that it's essential to understand each other's needs. By being upfront about your desires, you are laying the foundation for a fulfilling sexual relationship together.
๐ To make things less awkward for shyer couples, consider replacing the word "sex" in your discussion with "making out", "making love", or "being intimate".
Photo Credit: Unsplash
๐ #2. Boundaries
Establishing healthy sexual boundaries in a marriage is always an ongoing process. Figure out the boundaries of your comfort zone and constantly communicate them. For instance, Jacqueline says, "You may have been intimate with your partner the day before, but that doesn't mean you'll always be comfortable doing the same thing again."
Your partner is not a mind reader and would not know what you need at any given time. So, "the earlier you can explore and openly discuss how you'd like to be intimate in the bedroom, the more likely your marriage will forge a foundation built on respect, trust, intimacy and security."
Setting clear expectations before entering a life-long commitment will help to ensure that you and your partner are always on the same page and the same team! And remember that at the core of your discussions, consent is key and it always goes both ways.
๐ Discuss in specific what makes you comfortable and just how far is too far.
๐ If your boundaries change, be sure to communicate it and for the other partner, be sure to respect it.
Photo Credit: Unsplash
๐ #3. Sexual Health and Wellness
Flag the topic of sexual health and wellness as something you both need to address before saying "I do". Remember, pleasure only comes with good health.
Be candid in this conversation, and while this is not always an easy topic to navigate, try not to jump to conclusions and always come from a place of care and compassion. In our discussion with intimacy expert Jacqueline, she also pointed out that the most common reason why your partner might resist getting tested is "because they may strongly believe that they don't have any STDs or sexual ailments." If you do find yourself in such a situation, remember that "ultimately, deciding whether they want to get tested is a great way to measure how responsible and caring they will be as your life-long partner."
Also, discussing your contraception methods and family planning will help to align your goals together as a couple. This open conversation will help forge a deeper bond between the both of you based on trust and safety.
๐ Approach this conversation by saying something like: "By the way, I just got tested for STDs and it's all clear. Have you been tested?"
Photo Credit: Newsx.com
๐ #4. Building An Emotional Connection
In your sex talk before marriage, discussing emotional connection and intimacy is essential. It's important to keep in mind that sex actually deepens the bond between a couple by fostering a sense of closeness, emotional well-being, and satisfaction through this shared experience.
Therefore, you and your partner could explore ways to deepen further your emotional connection through open and deep conversations and trust-building exercises. By nurturing your emotional connection openly and positively, Jacqueline reveals that it "helps to increase the bond and level of happiness in a marriage."
๐ Using "I" statements rather than โyouโ in your sentences helps to make your conversation more personal. For example, you can say "I feel..." or โI really like it whenโฆโ vs. โyou make me feelโฆโ.
Photo Credit: Unsplash
๐ #5. Being Open To Continuous Learning
Remember not to feel shy. Conversations like this are how your relationship establishes a new level of trust. So do express your willingness to learn and explore new experiences together consistently.
Unlock a new core memory by approaching your intimate relationship as an adventure of discovery! Encourage each other to try new things, experiment, and keep the flame alive. By approaching your sexual relationship this way, you create a dynamic and exciting foundation that can evolve throughout your marriage.
As a gentle reminder Jacqueline says that, "aside from continuously learning more about your partner and what makes them feel good, don't forget that, at the core, your pleasure matters equally." It's also just as important to get comfortable with yourself and explore new ways of experiencing pleasure as this will help you become a better communicator with your partner for a healthy and fulfilling marriage together!
๐ Write down potential things you'd be open to trying on pieces of paper and place them in a jar. Draw them out from time to time to discuss or try them.
Photo Credit: Unsplash
Now that you've gained some insight on the importance of talking about sex before your big day, we wish you all the best as you set a positive foundation towards your next milestone together.
Here's to a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship together!
This article was written in collaboration with Genvie, supporting them on their mission to liberate true sexual satisfaction and pursue happiness guided by one's true pleasure in Singapore.
It's time for an important discussion with bae - jiayou! ๐
with Love,
The Dateideas Team
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